


Midnight Whisperings

by phloridas



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Phan, Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic, Existential Crisis, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Reality, The Amazing Book Is Not on Fire, The Amazing Tour Is Not on Fire, Timelines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-03
Updated: 2017-02-03
Packaged: 2018-09-21 19:38:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9563465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phloridas/pseuds/phloridas
Summary: Snapshots of Dan and Phil's history, from 2009-2016, during Dan's moments of 3 AM introspection.tw for existential crisis/general 2012 angst





	

**Author's Note:**

> This work is dedicated to my lovely irl friend Cristina, who just turned 20 this week!! I hope your birthday was every bit as wonderful and amazing as you are and I can't wait until the next time we see each other! (Also, this was originally much more angsty, but I just couldn't bring myself to post something so sad--so now it's hopefully much fluffier!) I hope you enjoy!!

_ How is it even possible to love a single person this much? _

Dan had just ended another marathon Skype session with Phil and had that feeling that often came when it was 3 in the morning and he couldn’t stop smiling. This one person, who he had only been talking to for a few months now, somehow singlehandedly held the keys to his happiness. Dan knew this was dangerous, but he just couldn’t help it. Everything about Phil, from his impossibly soft skin to the fascinating way his mind worked, just left Dan wanting more each time. And who could blame him? Phil was like a beautiful flower, just inviting you to come in and stroke his silky petals, pinching them between your fingers and then letting them bounce back because they were just too pretty to disturb. Dan couldn’t quite explain this feeling, but whatever it was, it felt akin to lying in bed with a mug of hot chocolate, scrolling through the Internet while Radiohead played softly through his good headphones and he felt at peace with the world. If only he could capture that feeling and keep it in a jar for all the times he felt anxious or annoyed or just plain depressed. Maybe one day he’d be able to spend all his hours with Phil--with his consent, of course. But until then, five-hour Skype conversations and marathon texting sessions would just have to do. One day….Dan could only hope that day would be soon.

 

\--

_ Why does summer have to end? _

It wasn’t fair, really.

In approximately five and a half hours, Dan would be waking up to begin the long drive up to Manchester University, but somewhat predictably, he just couldn’t fall asleep. Snapshots of memories flashed before his eyes like an old movie reel. All the travelling he had done with his family and later with Phil, watching his YouTube channel steadily grow with each passing day, seeing Phil more often than he could ever have imagined a year ago. All these memories, just waiting to be pushed to the corners of his mind as he made new ones. Dan’s heart twisted slightly at the bittersweetness of it all.

Squeezing his eyes shut, he flashed back to just a few weeks ago when he had traipsed through Phil’s new shockingly white flat with armfuls of heavy boxes. He still could barely picture Phil actually living there, but his unending enthusiasm had apparently spilled over into Dan and made him excited to join Phil in Manchester. At the same time, though, Dan still didn’t feel quite ready to close this chapter of his life. Living with Phil would make it a thousand times easier but unfortunately, that wasn’t an option. Next year, though….who knew what might happen. And with that rare optimistic thought, he rolled over, gripping his pillow tighter, and attempted to play through his best memories with Phil, starting from the very first time Phil ever noticed him on Twitter. Maybe that would somewhat ease his stomach.

 

\--

_ How in the world did I end up living with Phil this year? _

Well okay, Dan knew how it happened, of course. But there were still some times where the realisation hit him all over again and sent tingles down his entire body. When Phil had first proposed the idea to him, Dan honestly had to check if he was dreaming. But Phil was one hundred percent serious and now here they were, two giant dorks attempting to take on the city of Manchester together. He glanced up over the top of his laptop to spread his gaze over the quiet lounge. It may not have been much, but he and Phil had made it a home--and that warmed his heart more than he could ever admit. Sure, they may just be stumbling through life, just barely getting by, but it was kind of romantic in a way. When it came down to it, having loads of money wasn’t a huge priority for Dan--as long as he had Phil, he knew at least some part of him would be happy.

Dan blinked and shook his head rather violently. Alright, seriously, enough with the sappiness. This was what 3 AM did to him. Dan always told himself he would get better, that he wouldn’t still be awake at ungodly hours of the night, but of course, this never worked. Maybe he should just accept the fact that his sleep schedule would never match up with the rest of the world’s. Standing up slowly, he stretched his impossibly long arms and set his laptop down before padding down the hall to Phil’s bedroom. Tumblr could wait until tomorrow. Right now, he just wanted to crawl under the feathery duvet and enjoy the comfort and warmth of his best friend.

So that was just what he did. Crawling into bed and pressing a soft kiss atop Phil’s unassuming head, Dan burrowed deep into the soft blankets, feeling incredibly grateful for nights like this, when he could just slip into bed with Phil whenever he wanted and just enjoy his company. He only hoped that they could continue for a long, long time to come.

 

\--

_ How could something so great just suddenly turn to shit? _

Okay, maybe it wasn’t so sudden. As Dan and Phil’s YouTube channels had grown, so had the messages from prying fans. In the beginning, Dan had no problem with just ignoring them, maybe cleverly replying to a choice few. But now, with hundreds of messages every minute on every platform nearly all about the same thing--namely, his relationship with Phil and whether or not “Phan” was real--Dan had had enough. It wasn’t nearly as fun to hang out with Phil anymore, especially on camera, where people overanalyzed their every move. Of course, Dan knew many of these people were just avid supporters of him and Phil and he was incredibly grateful anyone watched his videos at all, but where did you draw the line? When did human curiosity become harmful intrusion? And how was Dan supposed to handle thousands more eyes on him? Honestly, it was no wonder he felt like a lit fuse 99% of the time.

Rolling over in bed, Dan reached his arms out automatically to wrap around Phil, but there was nothing but a cold pillow.  _ Snap out of it, idiot. You’re sleeping in separate beds now. This is how it’s going to be from now on, so you better get used to it. _ But Dan couldn’t get used to it. How could he? After years of dreaming about waking up next to Phil and then having it finally become a reality, only to be pried away by the pressures of time and celebrity? He honestly couldn’t imagine a worse feeling.

Well. Apparently this was going to be yet another sleepless night. Dan pushed himself up and grabbed his laptop from the table beside him, hoping the Internet could distract him from his toxic thoughts. Maybe a Wikipedia odyssey?  _ No _ \--his eyes squeezed shut in pain. Phil did those, too (in fact, he was the one to introduce Dan to the idea), and besides, they weren’t something you could plan. They just happened. One minute you were watching a video of a salamander getting its belly rubbed and the next you were suddenly knee-deep in an article about all their predators, wiping away a tear at these poor helpless little animals and wondering if it was possible to adopt every single salamander in the world. Was there honestly anything in his life that didn’t remind him of Phil? Maybe he could peruse through the  _ Guild Wars 2 _ subreddit, although he was pretty certain he had read everything on there. Well, it didn’t hurt to go back and revisit some theories about his favourite characters, right?

And so Dan spent the rest of his night in the company of old friends, although he never quite managed to shake Phil from his mind. He finally fell asleep in the wee hours of the morning, his laptop still open, a reflection of how far deeply he had sunk and his utter lack of confidence that he would ever crawl his way out.

 

\--

_ Would Phil and I actually be good parents? _

Ever since he first noticed the #PhanBabyNames hashtag early that afternoon, Dan just couldn’t get babies off his mind. The topic had continued to bounce around the back corners of his brain throughout the radio show but now that he was comfortably in bed with an already asleep Phil curled up against him, he could finally give the topic some much-needed thought.

Dan couldn’t deny that he wanted kids-- _ so _ badly. Babies just made his chest bubble with warmth and he couldn’t wait until his children were old enough for him to spoil them rotten. But not for a while, of course. He had only just started to feel like he could handle his own life, there was no way he could be trusted with that of a tiny human yet. Still...his mind wandered despite himself.

There he was, in his early 30s, hand in hand with Phil and gazing down at their little girl in her crib. Words didn’t need to pass between them for Dan to know that Phil’s love for her was truly unending. He could see it in the way his eyes crinkled ever so softly, in the peaceful smile sitting atop his lips. He could hear it in Phil’s deep, steady breathing and feel it in the way he gently squeezed Dan’s hand and traced tiny circles with his thumb over the back of it. His heart flooded with joy at the thought.

His mind drifted again and suddenly, everyone was a bit older now. Cuddled up together on the couch, their dog resting on both their laps, their little girl suddenly jumped up beside them and pushed a gold-plated photo album into Dan’s large hands. Chuckling fondly, Dan opened it up and began the long and happy task of regaling all his best memories with Phil. Their daughter squirmed against him and squealed at all the right moments. Although it was just a fantasy, Dan truly felt complete. This little family was honestly all he needed in life. 

Sliding back into reality, he snuggled into Phil with a smile twitching up the corners of his lips, pressing a soft kiss into Phil’s bare shoulder and promising himself that he would do absolutely everything in his power to make this dream a reality. One of his dreams had already come true--and he was holding it right here in his arms--so who’s to say he couldn’t achieve this one as well?

\--

_ What is even the point of existing anymore? _

Nighttime seemed to bring this onto Dan. Something about the rest of the world turning off just served to multiply his existential ponderings. Maybe they only felt safe to escape his brain at this time of night. Or maybe he was just too exhausted to care about stopping them.

A heaviness draped over him like the lead apron that doctors give you before an x-ray. He knew Phil was waiting for him to crawl into bed, but he just couldn’t bring himself to get up. When the entire scope of the universe appeared pretty much meaningless and he realised he was just a speck of dust with literally no importance whatsoever who would eventually die and be forgotten about as generations of new humans came into the world until one day the sun finally explodes and dies, taking all of humanity with it...well, it was almost no wonder Dan felt rooted to his spot on the sofa.

Eventually, his laptop screen faded to black but Dan didn’t even notice. With thoughts floating through his head like dead leaves in the fall, he was well and truly zoned out. Really, what was the point of living if you were just stumbling your way through life? Had Dan ever truly lived? Well...he often had a hard time looking back on this as he was so young and cringey back then but as was wont to happen at 3 AM, the floodgates of his mind just poured open.

It was almost exactly five years ago now but if he concentrated, he could still remember that day as if it were yesterday. The knots in his stomach as he finally stepped off the platform, feeling his heart pound throughout his entire body, finally glimpsing that jet black fringe that couldn’t possibly be real but it was and it was heading straight for him with the brightest smile Dan had ever seen...and then the moment he had been dreaming of, that he initially didn’t even dare to hope for, was actually here and actually happening. Phil’s embrace was exactly what Dan needed at that moment, warm and soft and full of the kind of love that chased all of Dan’s demons away. Happiness threatened to spill out of him, but before it had the chance, something clicked in Dan’s brain and he realized: in that moment, he was truly living. And nobody could take that away from him.

Were there any other moments since then? Maybe the first time he had had sex with Phil...and maybe the time they had seen Muse together back in 2010. And the time they recorded their first ever Christmas radio show back in 2011, after he had gotten over the initial terror, of course. But that was three years ago. Sure, actually getting a full-time radio show was an amazing (and scary) feeling, but now that he was fully into the swing of it, he felt like he was pretty much running on autopilot. But then again...wait a second. He and Phil had actually done  _ so much _ in the course of nearly five years. It could all come crashing down in a second. Had he done anything to document it?

Dan finally blinked and sat up out of his stupor. He knew he had the original PINOF 1 questions still lying in his bedside drawer (he suddenly felt quite glad to be such a disgusting sap), but what else was there? Did he have anything to show his future children? Wait, scratch future children--their subscribers had been there since day one. Did he have anything he could share with them?

This got the wheels turning in his head. YouTube could be deleted by an evil dictator or just accidentally by some giant idiot, and what would he have to show for these last few years? Was there a way to take it down somehow, in a physical way that was free from the constraints of the Internet? Holy shit. How had it not occurred to him before?

But how did you go about making a book? And publishing it and everything? What would they include, and what would it look like? Most importantly, would Phil be okay with it? Dan checked the time on his phone. 4:02 AM. Phil was surely asleep by now, which meant Dan would just have to wait until the morning to tell him. He unlocked his phone anyway and opened up the Notes app to get his thoughts down. There was no way he’d remember it all otherwise.

He finally crawled into bed some time later with a smile on his face and a newfound sense of gratitude for the man beside him who had somehow chosen to join him on this crazy journey. For the first time in a while, Dan felt truly excited for the future--and that certainly wasn’t something he would ever take for granted. Not anymore.

 

\--

_ Are we ready? Are we actually ready? _

After over a year of planning, endless debating, and rehearsing, the day was finally (nearly) here. When Dan woke up, he would be hopping in a van to drive up to Scotland to perform the very first TATINOF show along with the beautiful man soundly asleep in his arms. And the book he and Phil had poured their collective lifeblood into would finally be in his supporters’ hands. It honestly felt like his whole life had led up to this.

Had he gone over everything? Did he know his lines and his entrances and the procedure for all the audience interaction segments? Had he forgotten a single page in the book, or placed one in the wrong order? Well, the book had already been sent to the publishers and printed months ago, so that was hopefully one thing out of the way.

But the show. Oh God, the show. Next to the book, this was his and Phil’s baby. Sure, they had a ton of help along the way, but every single thing was approved by them (and Dan preferred it that way). He loved this show with all his heart, but would his audience feel the same way? Would they appreciate all the jokes? There were undoubtedly going to be parents in the audience--he hadn’t accidentally left in any crude remarks, had he?

Dan ran through the entire show again in his mind. At this point, he could literally perform it in his sleep, so it only took him a few minutes to reach the ending musical number. Then his stomach seized up again. What if he forgot the words? What if he opened his mouth and no sound came out? What if  _ Phil _ did something to mess up the entire thing? Horrifying scenarios flashed through his mind until he felt like a train running off its tracks. Then he remembered something from his theater days.

In his mind’s eye, he could see his favourite director again, the one who pushed Dan and his fellow aspiring thespians nearly to the breaking point, but only so they could consistently give top-notch performances. In every show Dan had performed in, at the culmination of their tech rehearsals, his director always reminded the students that they had done everything they could up to this point. He wouldn’t have cast them if he didn’t think they had the potential to be anything less than stellar up there. The best thing they could do now was relax and just let the show wash over them. Whatever happened onstage would happen, and they were all professional enough to roll with the punches. If the audience loved the show, then great, but the most important thing was that they were proud of themselves and how far they had come from their tiny table reads to this full performance with a spectacular set and lights and sound and everything.

And was Dan proud of himself tonight?

Yes. Yes, he was.

 

\--

_ How did we end up here? _

Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the absolute absurdity of the last few days, but nights like this certainly called for introspection.

Had it really been over ten years since Phil had posted his first video? Of course, Dan hadn’t discovered him for another year, but once he had, it was like he couldn’t possibly get enough. Phil’s mind was unlike anything Dan had ever experienced and he yearned to have a full discussion with him to see firsthand how that brain really worked. He thought little of it at the time, only that he desperately wanted to be friends with this fascinating stranger who posted videos on the Internet. He already had a pretty great girlfriend--so how come he was suddenly fantasizing about late-night conversations with Phil as they lay tangled together under that colourful duvet?

Eventually, he had no choice but to admit it to himself: he was crushing. Hard. And then Phil finally replied to one of Dan’s tweets and actually messaged him. Dan thought his heart would explode out of his chest. Never before had he felt this ecstatic and terrified to talk to one person. Somewhere along the way, after one of their marathon Skype sessions, Dan realised his dream had come true. And that feeling was simply incomparable.

Through sleepless nights and all the years spent by Phil’s side, another realisation crept up on Dan like a whisper of spring wind in early April: He had shaped his life around Phil. Every part of it--right down to that night’s hashtag-shaped awards resting proudly on the mantle, would be impossibly different without him. It was a slightly terrifying thought, but Dan wouldn’t have it any other way. 

If he had to choose someone to build a life with, Phil wasn’t a bad choice. They seemed to understand each other on some other level that couldn’t be found in most relationships. Other people may get sick of being around the same person all the time, even for work, but Dan truly felt like Phil was his other half. He rolled over and wrapped his arms around Phil’s strong body. A rush of love sent tingles through his own body as Phil shifted slightly and curled tighter into Dan’s arms with a soft sigh. As the wispy tendrils of sleep finally carried Dan off late that night, he was left with a single thought: However you looked at it, you couldn’t deny that he had a pretty fantastic life--and best of all, it was only going up from here. For once in his life, he couldn’t wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Gaaahhh ALL THE FEELS. Thank you for reading and hopefully, this gave you as many feels as it gave me! Kudos and comments are always massively appreciated! And as always, you can hit me up at phloridas on Tumblr where you can most likely find me screaming and crying over all things Phan :)


End file.
